May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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