He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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