You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
