No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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