i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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