He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
