She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
