i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
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We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
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I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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