Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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