My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
