If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
