Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
