There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
