youre lurking in front of me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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