i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
