life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
