note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am one with the molecules
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
