Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
