So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
