You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
