think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
