I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
