it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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