I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
