I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
