If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
