I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
