I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
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its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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