Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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