Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You ruined the universe
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
