you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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