I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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