Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
