3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
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does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?