We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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