Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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