my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
