I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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