I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
