He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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