A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
