he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
