Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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