I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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