Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
