I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
