i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
