You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
