party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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