How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
