Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just found puke in my bra..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
