last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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