My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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