If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
