Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
this hospital has no fireball
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
