ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
