Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
