And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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